My moment

Well I have to say its a relief to have that "moment"... the moment in time when it hits you like a ton of bricks upside the head and your knocked back into reality.

Last night after several weeks of not knowing what the hell has been going on I watched Oprah and seen a story about a wonderful child who he and his family have been dealing with mental health issues and Sensory issues for a long time. His story touched me so deeply and made me think.

When Scott and I went to bed last night was talking to him about the story and I played a link on Oprah's website of the interview she did with him. It gave me so much insight into what our own child deals with and it got Scott and I talking.

To be a mother and hear some of the things that come out of her its heart breaking to say the least but the more Scott and I talked the more I understood... its not me! Its the sensory issues she deals with that are causing her such frustration and being 9 years old and not knowing how to deal with them, well of course she would react as she has.

I know she really does love me as I love her... we will get through this rough spot and get back on track. We will stand shoulder to shoulder. Neither of us will give up. Neither of us will stop fighting this battle....... we will succeed!!!!

Its been rough

Its been rough... too rough some days to even talk about it... it hurts so bad to have your child tell you she doesn't love you.. to have your child say things that shouldn't come out of a 9 yr olds mouth when she finds out you are sick with the flu... its been a rough month to say the least! Maybe soon I'll have the strength to blog about it... but for now its just too painful to even put into words... therapy has been stepped up that's for sure so i know we have hope! hope again!!!!

Christmas and into the New Year

Christmas was one of the most amazing times of the year for us, looking back on the past several I have to say this was the best in recent memory. It was so relaxed, calm, kids had a great time and we were all on vacation.

It was like stress free! No breakdowns, no meltdowns, no upsetting days. Christmas morning was so relaxing and enjoyable I wish everyday could be like our 2010 Christmas was and planning it to be such a slow one, such a relaxing one paid off a thousand times over... best thing ever was to allow it to just be the way it needed to be.

January has been a challenge.

Why haven't I been posting?

Why haven't I been posting? Well, the answer is not that easy. See its been too stressful... excuse me I know.. me letting stress get to me!!! Yeah hard to believe isn't it.
Well it finally happened... we started a new course for our daughter, it was group therapy for her anxiety and boy did it open a can of pain on us (ok well me!) it made me see what help she really needs, how hard her daily struggles are to fit in, to be like other kids, as she would say "not to be like this anymore"... my heart broke with every therapy, with every time the conversation would come up with her about her fears and to hear it week after week after week.. well I felt like there was no end. Did it help? I sure do hope, things are quiet but not every day no. I was able to get a few days without stress during a very hard time... see my mom almost passed away from a recent surgery and I needed to spend a lot of time away from the kids to be at the hospital in ICU with mom. Sure there were a few rough days of fear from Sarah but after a few days she was able to adjust quicker? Because of the group therapy, sure it might have been. Because of my attitude that this is my mom and no matter what challenges are being dealt with at home Dad you have to step in, I need to be with mom.
Regardless of the reasons all I know is that the past month has been one of the most challenges months on record.
November is never a good month for us, we try to make happy memories but for the past 11 yrs now its been hard.
See Scott and I met 27 yrs ago in Nov. But then 11 yrs ago in Nov his best friend died very suddenly and it was rough, the following Nov we decided to get married after 17 yrs of being together. Good times and bad times we decided to make Nov the month we would make into as much fun as we could. The following year I delivered Sarah, yup.. November but within 2 days we found out we would be travelling down the road of the unknown as she was hearing impaired. We spent the next several years avoiding any Nov problems when this year we didn't... what was suppose to be a routine surgery for my Mom turned into a week in ICU, a ventilator, almost loosing her and now after a week of not being awake to find out she has cancer. Sure as Nov rolls by she's much stronger, home now and recovering so we can face her cancer together as a family.
How can one month be so happy and so sad all at the same time. I can't answer that but all we know is Nov comes and we make the best of it, the best we know how... we celebrate birthday and anniversary and we remember the hard times in Nov and be thankful for what we have....
Maybe November was put in the calender month to remind us (as Thanksgiving is in Nov!) to be thankful for what we have cause it could be gone tomorrow.
Well hopefully now that Dec is coming upon us I have more time, less stress and more energy to write some more.
Well see!

I can't believe its been 3 weeks since I lost put something on here. Wow, where has the time gone by.
Well that's easy... its been busy. Besides the adjustment to school and all that brings its been busy evenings with homework and apts. and boy have the apts been coming fast and furious. Most weeks there have been 2 each week. Sure doesn't leave much time for anything else. But I need to get back on track with a few things and this is one of them.
So she started her new program, its a program that helps her learn the techniques she needs to deal with the anxiety. Week one was rough but it was a walk on the beach compared to week 2. Week 2 brought on a full blown I'll say panic attack (the dr's won't call it that but I will) she was grabbing furniture and knocking it over, kicking me and her dad, screaming... oh that blood curdle scream!, trying to run away, mad, upset... the first half hour of the session even put another mom in tears to see her react that way. Not tears of fears but tears of "omg her mom and dad, it must break your heart to see her react that way". Within no time the lead Dr of this program told me... this is more then just anxiety... there is more there! OMG what a terrible thing to hear. So she was going to get a hold of her Dr and they would be in touch... guess we wait.
But after that she was fine... the rest of the night was great, the following day was amazing and yesterday she even went to her aunt's house to bake pie!!! sure she had some nervous moments about going but overcame them and had a great time.
every time stuff like this happens it makes me so 2nd quess everything... I can get so confused... maybe that bad moment was just a moment cause look at how good she was after that... I"m so confused!
Well its early Sunday morning everyone is up and our oldest is off to his driver training so its time to get the few things done I need to do today and then it'll be time to do nothing on a sunny cool Sunday day!!!!