Aniexty... AGAIN

Oh my what a bad day she had yesterday. 330 I get a call from home Sarah wants to talk to you so I call her back on our cordless phone. I can tell right away this isn't going to be good. I can hear her walk into her room and close the door. Hi Baby how was your day. No answer. I repeat it. No answer. Sarah what's wrong. I don't know Momma as she has tears coming down her face... I just need you you have to come home on the 4 o'clock bus. I can't Sarah even if I left right now I wouldn't have time to make it. But Momma I need you I had a bad day please Momma. Sarah I can't now listen to me I'll be home on the 5 o'clock bus, what's wrong did something happen at school. And the only replies I get are "momma I need you I don't know why but Momma I need you" This goes on for a few more minutes then I have to be stern and tell her "momma has to work baby I have to go" no way would she listen to me. I'm at work and there is not a dam thing I can do to help her... no a thing and that bothers the hell out of me. Not to mention how disruptive these conversations are to people who are around me that can hear me... she's deaf I can't exactly whisper on the phone. I had no choice but to hang up. I told her I needed to go and that I love'd her and then I hung up. OMG I had no choice but to hang up nothing I was going to be able to say would help her get over this bad day. So I do what I normally do and text Scott to tell him what happened. He told me it was ok and I knew it was ok but it still doesn't make it any easier when it happens.
So off I go from work 45 mins later to catch my two buses. I get a text from Scott.. is she ok? I don't know I can't call her yet I'm still on the first bus. Then when I get off the first bus and walk over to catch the 2nd bus I'm alone so I call her. No she's no better.... its ok honey I'm on my way home. I need you know.. you have to wait.. i need you know... you have to wait. Please Sarah listen to me and except my answer I can't do anything better to get home to you then I am. No way would she settle down on the phone so again I hung up. God what kind of mother am I. But to sit on the phone for the next half an hour till I'm home repeating the same thing over and over again I just can't take it. So home I come and she comes running out to meet me. She's happier now that I'm home but now I'm sad, tired and exhausted. I'm glad I can make her happy but now I'm wearing the quilt of the day on my shoulders. So into the house we go and we aren't in the house 2 mins and she becomes saucy and disrespectful to everyone, screaming at the top of her lungs, telling people to shut up. OMG Sarah what is wrong with you what happened today. I don't know Momma I don't know how to say it. Then just tell me. Several hours go by and during this time she couldn't make a decision to save her life. Which book to read, help Nanny with cookies, play in the living room or in her room, what to eat for supper, what to drink.... omg this goes on forever. Sarah then does what she does when she's ready to talk... calls me into my bedroom. What happened at school today. I didn't have a good day today Momma, I know baby what happened. Oh its so hard for me to say. Just say it. By this point I'm expecting the news of a life time but I come to find out her friend didn't want to play with her and the Duty Teacher talked to her about food for her lunch. OMG guess which triggered the anxiety attack.... yup the food. Not playing with her friend meant she had to find something else to do and that's a hard lesson for any 8 year old to learn but when an adult and a stranger talks to her about food she wants to throw up and she said "momma i gagged when she told me to eat". I can tell by the tone the food did it. It just set her right off and I've already had conversations with the school.... they need to understand Sarah's brain is not wired the same as ours. Food is a general conversation with most people but to her food is associated with throwing up for hours, feeding tubes, pain, and fear. Please listen to me school... even our Dr we work with hasn't been able to get her to replace her fear of food with happiness so why do you as adults think you know any better... please stop making this child's life hell and listen to me. So the night ended with her believing she wasn't going to make it to school today... oh god only knows what her anxiety level will be in the next half an hour when I wake up her.... please let it calm down so we can get her to school today.

What will this week bring..... the weekend sure did bring it

Its early Monday morning and I wake up thinking "oh god" what will this week bring. Except for knowing that we need to take the dog to his vet apt on Thursday I have no set plans. I worry about everything these days. I guess its stress of not only my job but the job that's most important to me.... being a mom. This weekend I learned a big lesson... relax if you want to do it right.
The pain Friday and Saturday night just about killed me... I seriously could have went to the hospital and they would have had to do something between now and the surgery for the pain but I didn't... I stayed on the couch and moaned and groaned with the pain till I finally feel asleep... the mornings feel so good cause I've been laying down doing nothing all night but life is reality.. I have to work and the pain of doing so just makes my heart pound out of my chest.. knowing I'll come home and spend the night on the couch almost in tears just puts a fear into me like no other. And its not dealing with the pain that hurts the most its knowing I'm loosing time with the kids that hurts so much. I can't possibly even have a rational thought when the pain hits let alone be able to think of thoughts.
So yesterday morning I got up and thought to myself I would take it easy for the day and luckily I have a wonderful husband who pretty much thought the same. So he took over groceries, laundry, hanging out with Sarah and walking the dog. This gave me pretty much the whole day to do nothing except I did straighten up the house, make the beds, do the dishes, fold and put away the laundry, cleaned up dog pee, sorted out Sarah's summer and winter clothes and cleaned off my desk... sounds like a lot but it really wasn't cause it was spread out over the entire day which allowed me enough time to rest in between doing it. And to my surprise I actually had a pain free night just until the exact same time I went to bed then the pain started but I was already almost in dreamland so sleeping through it allowed me to relax enough that the pain didn't keep me from sleeping.
So do I continue to practise this method of trying to stay pain free till my surgery... I wish but I can't.. I have a job to do so instead of coming home and being able to focus on what is the most important in my life I'll spend the next 17 days doing what I do.... sitting on the couch almost all night feeling like I'm going to delivery a 20lb baby!
The weekend sure did make me notice what the problem is but it didn't allow me to fix the problem either.
Oh well... only 17 more days and the problem will be resolved.

Only 19 days left

Only 19 days left to my surgery. It was confirmed yesterday. I'll be in the hospital for a min of 4 days.. I was hoping for like an overnight stay... LOL. Then that's it for 6 weeks before I can anything or return back to work. OH MY! How in the hell am I going to stay on my butt for 6 weeks....but thankfully I have an amazing husband who's been so helpful through all of this. Last night the pain was like contractions and he stepped in took over and made sure I was able to rest... god I love him! But now the fun begins... 19 days to not only get mentally ready for a challenge but to get Christmas ready too and not to mention getting Sarah ready for a change... Oh my! Its going to be interested. But for today I'll get my butt off this chair, get ready and go to a support group meeting and then tonight Sarah and I are getting under the covers in my bed with a bowl of popcorn and watching the parade of lights on tv... physically I just can't stand downtown for hours watching it so we'll make it a Momma and me night tonight. The tomorrow with paper and pen in hand or maybe laptop and Word... then schedule and list will be made... time to make the list, check it twice and hopefully be able to stick to the schedule I set to get it all done and all ready with less then 2 weeks gone from the Christmas schedule while I recover it'll be a challenge to say the least.

What really matters

What really matters is being able to come home and seeing your children smile.......... that's all that matters.

It just sets me right off...

OMG I did it again. I lost my temper last night and hollered at the ones I love. Why do I do it. The worse part is I know better. There is no excuse for it. There are reasons but no excuses. I should never do it. I even promised myself I wouldn't do it. Oh but boy did it set me off last night.
I went back to work after being off for an entire week... back to the grind and the whole time I was wanting to call home to see how she was feeling but I couldn't cause I knew it would just put me in tears that I couldn't come home to her if she needed me. So I waited and waited and waited. Then when I got off work I guess instead of being happy that I was on my way home I was pissed off that work got in my way of being with my baby. But again instead of being happy that I was my way home to her and she was going to meet me I was irritated when I called her and she was a little cranky with me on the phone. I told her I had to hang up cause hollering on that stupid cell phone that doesn't work half the time put me in a bad mood. Again instead of being thankful I was able to talk to her about her day I got mad instead.
So then I get home and here she comes all bundled up for the cooler temps and with dog on the leash.... running to meet me. I should have dropped to my knees and gave her a big hug but instead I just smiled and put my arm around her and off we went into the house. I thought I was ok I really did. I didn't feel like I was cranky. 5:15pm I called Scott to find out he was still working and would be another hour or so. Well that set me off AGAIN.... we had to go out I promised I would buy the kids an ice cream cake and we had to go to Canadian Tire to get stuff for the new basement door that was just installed..... my plan to have her home and in bed by 8 would be ruined. Oh no... I should have told myself to shut up but I didn't. I waited. Then of course when he does get home it takes a good hour to get ready... talk to this person, talk to that person, on the phone... come on we have to go its already after 7. We finally leave and get to Canadian Tire and of course they don't have half of what we need... oh not its setting me off again... I can feel myself getting pissed off for what feels like a waste of my few minutes I have at home with the kids everyday. And then of course on the way there the pain starts to hit... as it does every freaking night. I'm getting irritated more and more. And bang... she sees a $35 toy... no your not buying it...come on lets go... where is your father? where is your brother? on the phone I go to collect everyone... come on I'm ready to go. No Sarah your not buying the toy... sure run away from me in the store to find your father... no your not buying it. That did it... your not listening to me I'm done! We leave the store with only half of what we need and knowing it'll take another trip somewhere else to find it just pissed me off but not tonight its getting late I want to get her home she has school tomorrow. But first off to DQ and the kids want something to eat. OMG seriously why does it take so long to cook the food.... come on people its been sitting on the rack for more then 5 mins now stop making everyone's ice cream and get my food. Oh sure screw up one of the hot dogs and now I have to wait more time... do you not understand people I have to get home. Yes that is the look of pain and loss of patience... I'm done please just shoot me now! So off to the car we go... no time to eat in must feed kids in the car.. we did the pass of drinks.. the pass of food... the "Mom this doesn't take good" its ok its just your cold that makes it taste gross.... I DON'T WANT IT came a scream out of the back seat which set off a pain in his ribs from all the coughing which set off MOM I NEED YOU... ok did I say I was done yet. So we get home and its now 9:03... OMG I wanted to be home by 8 and now how can I say no to a piece of ice cream cake.... please god don't let me stab the cake with such a force that they lock me up... just let me try to slice through the indestructible hard cake... oh sure... I finally get a piece off and it goes flipping and flopping onto the counter... which leads to MOM I DON'T WANT IT IT WAS ON THE COUNTER.. which leads to me just about flipping out. But we made it through.. the cake was eaten and now its time for bed. Stress is leading to Scott's chest pains and one stressful problem is he can't sleep with Sarah in our bed so its no longer Sarah and Mom climbing into bed at 830 or 9 and mom falling asleep.... you have to go into your own room or fall asleep on the couch and I'll put you in your own room. Well that lead to MOM I DON'T WANT TO and yes well that did it.... that's when I lost my temper... I'd had enough. Stop standing 2 feet away from me screaming MOM I NEED YOU... please just stop I hurt, I'm tired, I'm cranky... please just shut up and go to sleep... STOP STOP STOP don't you understand the more you holler at me the more I'm going to holler back please listen to me and stop. Its now almost 10 and I can see where this is going.... into tomorrow morning with no sleep, not being able to get up, not being able to get ready and I'm sure I'll be hollering again. But it didn't have to be that way... I could have just kept my cool, gave lots of hugs and kisses and allowed her to go to bed with a smile on her face but I didn't and that just sets me right off.
Well today is a new day... hopefully it'll be a better day and maybe today I learn to act like an adult mother and take control instead of a child who wants to get her own way and throws tantrums! Wonder where she learns it from?????