I can only think....

Its funny how things go.

A few nights ago I was thinking about what a Mommy's night out would really mean and last night I was ridden with guilt.

See it was bed time and Miss Sarah decided it was question time. The what if's. What if you and dad don't live together anymore Momma? I know its not going to happen I"m just saying she repeated to me. So I decided it was time for me to figure out where this is coming from. The questions came... do you have to get married when you get to a certain age Momma? do you have to be married forever? do you this? do you that? do you... do you? Then came the tough questions... where is your dad at Momma? Why don't your mom and dad live together?

The entire time I would give the "general" answer any Momma would give... honest as honest can be when your answering an 8 year old's questions but without bringing any fear.

Sometimes people love each other baby but they just can't live together and that will never happen to me and daddy.

Every answer I gave was positive and reinforcing her secure world and the whole time I wanted dad there in the room with us to help me reinforce what I thought was her fears that her father and I would not be together anymore but when I would ask to call Dad in she told me no... these are questions for momma only she would say.

After almost a half an hour of talking I then noticed I was wrong, she had no fear of us being together (with good reason... we've never given her any reason to believe we won't be) her fear was that I would leave, not return and not take her with me.

The guilt.... here I am thinking of taking a mommy's night thought and here my daughter is thinking Mommy's leaving and never returning... where do her thoughts come from. I've never said it. I've never joked about it. I've never threatened it. I've never said it.

Where do these fears come from? Why do they haunt her thoughts? Poor girl must have been worried about it. She's been worried that I'm leaving.... the Dr told us before these thoughts are not our reality its her reality. She may have seen something or heard a comment from someone that their mom left and her brain then takes that to the extreme and she fears, worries, obsesses about it happening to her.

I hope I reassured her that momma isn't going to leave her.

And I also made her another promise... see she had a breakdown in the morning about signing her Nanny's birthday card. Well, that's nothing new! She can never give a card to anyone but till yesterday I never knew why... PERFECTION! She tells me that someone (who will remain nameless) told her to sign her name one time neat and she wasn't making it neat!!! OH GOD had I been there to step in on that one.... you don't tell a child with OCD to be a perfectionist... no matter how well your intentions were PLEASE DON'T DO IT. So I promised that I will always sign her name to the cards... I'm there for you baby... release that stress of signing cards, it just isn't worth it. And of course... I promised till she's 55 if that's what I need to do! LOL LOL

Hope our conversation helped you last night baby... please don't worry... your 8 you don't need to worry you need to play, laugh and have fun... I'll do all the worry's for you... ok baby?

Love ya forever and always.